Why YOU WILL Win The Billion Dollar Bracket

When Warren Buffett announced that he and Quicken Loans were going to offer up to 15 million people the opportunity to guess the NCAA Tournament perfectly and win a billion dollars, it immediately stirred up a storm. All I have read are a bunch of articles about how you have no chance at winning. I can’t stand such negativity. So, I’ve put together the only article out there as to “Why YOU WILL Win The Billion Dollar Bracket.” Here are the facts:

1. Mathematical odds/the analytics movement is overrated.

People will say that there is a 9.2 quintillion to one chance of getting a perfect NCAA bracket. To those people, I respond, “What’s a quintillion? Sounds made up by the same people that caused the 2008 financial crisis.” With the Sloan Sports Conference, Nate Silver and FiveThirtyEight, and other such representations of the advancements of analytics, the facts show that it really won’t work out. For all the success of “Moneyball,” how many championships do the Oakland A’s have? Exactly. The best still wins. You’re the best. You’re better than math. You got this.

2. Warren Buffett is an idiot.

So, this guy is the most noted American businessman and knowledgeable on economics in so many ways? He’s worth billions, and has the kindness to donate much of it to worthwhile charities? He’s one of the most savvy investors in the world and highly respected by pretty much everyone on Wall Street? So what? He’s all old now. He’s probably senile. His time is over. It’s now your time, baby! With his billion dollars! 

I really hope a librarian wins the billion dollars.

 3. You know college basketball (even if you don’t).

Come on, you watched practically every game that was available to you on cable this season. You know these teams hands down and have analyzed everything that could possibly happen. And, sure, the NCAA Tournament never has any surprises. Or, come on, you watched the night that Michigan State played Kentucky and Duke played Kansas, and never watched a game again this season. You know college basketball. It’s in your blood.

4. You’re probably due.

Look, life hasn’t treated you well in some way. You’re certainly not Warren Buffett. You work a crappy job. You hate your significant other. You’re obviously depressed in some way. All you live for is sports or lottery tickets. This is that wonderful moment where you can bring both of them together. God owes you a billion dollars. Life sucks, and now it won’t thanks to your perfect bracket!

A Timeline of the Philadelphia 76ers at Orlando Magic

While on my recent trip to Orlando, I got to check out the Amway Arena for the first time. On Sunday night, a clearly epic battle occurred as the Magic squared off against the Philadelphia 76ers. Here's a timeline of my experience at what may have been one of the most meaningless games this NBA season.

4:00 PM – I'm taking in the Ohio State-Indiana basketball game at a bar right near Lake Eola in a park in downtown Orlando. It's a beautiful sight, and no surprise that the outdoor bar is backed on such a clear and perfect weather day.

4:51 PM – I actually poop in the park public restroom, making me only slightly above the homeless when it comes to behavioral standards in a park public restroom. As it turns out, my poop was probably synonymous with the level of entertainment the Magic and 76ers would provide later in the day.

4:59 PM – I notice a group of people dancing on a stage at the lake. I guess this auditorium is used for random events like this. Kind of cool, but kind of weird. I like Orlando.

6:01 PM – The game has already started, but we still need tickets. Numerous scalpers annoy us. We just want to get into the building, so we buy $10 tickets off of a scalper. According to the Ticketmaster paper, the original price of the tickets was $5 (Amway offers $5 tickets? No idea.) The name on the tickets is Miguel. I assure you that if the guy I bought the tickets from was named Miguel, then my name is Joe Biden.

6:14 PM – We get into the building with absolutely no intention of ever going to our seats. We go to the Budweiser Bar Pavilion where you get a great standing room level view from behind one of the backboards and all the numerous shots that are being missed by each respective team.

6:21 PM – A guy is throwing free stuff. Pretty exciting. As it turns out, he ends up handing us what he's throwing. They are those “thunder sticks” that you can use to cheer on the team. I must say it's disappointing when you receive a free thing that's not very exciting. It's double disappointing when it's handed to you, and you didn't catch it. I thought to myself, “This is crap, and I didn't even earn it.”

6:33 PM – “Kiss Cam” comes on the screen! It's a little sad when you're digging for “Kiss Cam” near the end of the first quarter. This is something that better teams would show later in the game. But, hey, got to keep these Orlando faithful excited somehow.

6:50 PM – Stuff the Magic Dragon appears! Stuff starts messing around with the audience. Stuff is actually doing some decently hilarious material for arena crowd work. Stuff wins MVP honors for me for this game, and should have appeared more. 

Bob Dole and Stuff! Highly doubt Bob Dole was in attendance at the 76ers-Magic game.

6:58 PM – The cheerleaders continue to be more interesting than the entire Magic roster. I'm far more excited when they're announced off the bench than when the name, E'Twaun Moore, is heard.

7:25 PM – At the half, the 76ers lead the Magic. The 76ers have been terrible defensively this year. At the least, I was hoping this would be an offensive explosion for each team. But, no, they both are looking pretty crappy.

7:48 PM – I grab a bottomless souvenir Horace Grant cup of Mountain Dew from the concession stand. The man working the counter is unbelievably nice. It's his pep that would be the only reason I ever come back to an Orlando Magic game.

8:10 PM – I'm realizing that Magic games are great ways to look at the attractive women in Orlando. Also, it's pretty obvious they don't care about this team, either, so this looks a pretty decent social event with a $10 cover.

8:21 PM – The Magic have waged a comeback much to the delight of whoever in the crowd is actually paying attention.

8:35 PM – I return for a refill on my Mountain Dew. This guy is just really nice. I also am going to be completely wired for the drive home.

8:55 PM – The game concludes. Magic wins, 92-81. They can now prepare for Dwight Howard's return on Wednesday in a game I would have much rather watched.

9:06 PM – The Amway Arena has an interactive area on the first 25 years of the Orlando Magic. It has shoes that Shaq wore, cardboard cutouts of the players that you can stand next to, and random trivia that will remind you that Reggie Theus once played for the team. Also, I read about their 2009 run to the NBA Finals and almost broke down into tears knowing the likes of Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis beat LeBron James.

9:44 PM – We stop at a pizza place for a snack after the game. I accidentally leave my Horace Grant souvenir cup at this pizza place. Some lucky person or garbage can now has my Horace Grant souvenir cup.

In conclusion, the Amway Arena is a fun night out. It's got cheap tickets, expensive brews, hot babes, and a lot of history, so the kids will learn something, too!